Happy Birthday my dear brother.

Today is a joyous day for it is the 19th birthday of my brother Alexander. I have spent the majority of today cleaning and got up at 8:30 to find that my brother was no where in sight. Turns out he borrowed my tripod and recorded himself singing in the dewy morning air across the street in a field of tall yellowish grass. I couldn't be happier. While he is napping, because of course he didn't sleep all night, I have been thinking about how happy I am to have him in my life. Here's a poem to you little brother.


Today is your birthday little brother.
We have so much in common, we even share the same mother.
I cleaned our house, made you tea and wonderful chinese food, all because I love you and want to put you in a good mood.
You woke up today looking for adventure.
I hope that you receive all that and more.
When you awake from your nap we two will explore.
I have a present or two that I plan to give you today.
And lots more love, fun and music are coming your way.
God bless you today and always, I thank God you were born. For if it were not for him and our mother I would not have your beautiful companionship and a little brother that I adore.
Happy Birthday little big one. Congratulations on making it this far, I am so proud of you, your accomplishments and the man that you are becoming. Having you here with me this last month is the biggest present that I could have. Because nobody could and ever will replace your presence.
All my love,
Sissy. <3 :)

Here's to a day of Adventure, may later I will share the details of our fun.

Fuck it, I'm blogging...

You oversee your own life.

I am a box overflowing with trash, donate-now items, recyclable bits and pieces and photographs. Haha. I'm just kidding, but it is how I feel. I feel like my dirty home. I feel like my stress over the upcoming week's events. I feel like the dirty face that I still have not washed today because I have been distracted by cleaning, cooking, and other miscellaneous activities. We take on our emotions, our actions, our surroundings in a physical and mental sense. And I am trying to learn mind over matter. I am trying to learn the secret of energy and that what you put out you will receive, I promise I am trying. I am trying to have patience. I am trying to forgive and forget. I practice breathing, I push back tears and I call to myself strength. I am working on earning money and never placing its importance above the necessary immediate use. Andsometimes I fall, I feel like I am falling. I am Alice in Wonderland. I am exploring new places, ideas, people, and celebrating life's many un-birthdays. The other day my brother asked me why I can't just blog about the happy things that we do together. So, I said ok, I will talk about the park we visited and the joy that I got from laying in the sun and taking pictures and hugging trees but when I had the opportunity to blog about it, I didn't. My brother played at an open mic night and my boyfriend told him that he should only play his own songs from now on to showcase his own talent. To this my brother replied saying that most of his own songs are too dark and unhappy to perform. I thought it was funny that we both allow ourselves, our minds and our bodies to soak up the happiness of our experiences but when it comes to expressing ourselves it is the frustration, heart break, bitter feelings that we write about. Maybe it's because it is easy to be happy but it's much harder to handle unhappiness, stress, frustration and that we need to express ourselves when we feel that way in order to get it off of our chests, out of our minds and put it up to something other than ourselves to deal with it. However, I have taken some beautiful pictures this summer. Had some great and fun friend bonding experiences. Have had my brother move in with me and am preparing for the biggest traveling adventure of my life. I am searching and finding myself daily. Sometimes I hide in the closet or find pieces of myself on top of the fridge, man I'm sneaky. Haha. My brother and I made a long list of things that make us happy in life. In fact, that was what I planned to blog about a few days ago. Things that make me happy, like finding treasures at a yard sale that you impose yourself on because these two people are hanging up garage sale signs for Saturday and your brother asks if they have bar stools for sale because even though you e-mailed someone on craigslist and thought you had an agreement about bar stools it turns out he wanted much more for all of them than you are willing to pay and these two people say yes, but they are square and we say that's ok and they say $8 for both and you say ok thanks and get their address for tomorrow's yard sale and drive away and then flip-a-bitch and ask them if we could take those bar stools off their hands tonight and they say yes, I'll meet you at our house and then we end up looking through all of their stuff and taking home much more than you had planned but are extremely happy with your decision because it means that you invested in your home, which is where you live and is your place of rest and is your safe zone and for that, it was all worth it, and for that, I LOVE yard sales. :) Off to take care of business. Until next time

So, I've got this flaw...

I do not know when,
I do not know why.
Every time we talk,
I nearly want to cry.
You make me pull my hair,
my skin begins to blush,
I can not stand your voice,
I pretend I'm in a rush.
But then the feelings pass and I enjoy my day,
knowing that despite our differences, you are there for me in every way.
But you still drive me crazy,
sometimes off a cliff.
I love you so very much but I am tainted by our constant rift.
I hope that some day you forgive me for my boastful banter,
for I am not a saint, an angel or some body with the best of manners.
I just want to acknowledge that this feeling eats away
at the thought of calling you each and every single day.
It does not change my heart, I would never tell it to.
And when I start to fight it sometimes the yucky still gets through.
You could say it's just a phase that you and I will some day pass.
I would hope for nothing more because the real you I adore.

From the past to the present, I am who I want to be.

Alright I'm gonna do it. I'm going to make reference to the past. To my x's. To my mistakes. To my tears, regrets, not-so-great-adventures. It is really mind boggling to look at your life in retrospect. How is it that as a young person you can be so convinced that you know it all?!  Nobody knows for sure what the future holds. However, it is muy chistoso to me that as children we are so naive, headstrong in what we believe. Nothing and Nobody can stand in our way, tell us what to do or change our minds. I am torn between telling future generations to listen to their parents, their better judgement or encouraging them to just live their lives and make mistakes. I believe in destiny. I believe in fate. But who knows if I would have been the person that I am today if I had not been a little too risky, risque, careless? Well, I can say that I loved with all of my heart and to what I believed was my truest self. I gave 100 percent of myself, even if it meant that I was left vulnerable. And I may have grown up a little too fast but I am stronger because of it. We are all blessed with unique qualities and characteristics. I was built up to be the woman that I am today from the building blocks of yesterday. One day I will be a tall structure, fully intact with life's lessons, stories, mistakes, flaws, and cracks, and baby, I was not built to break. All that we can do is LIVE. And all that you can expect from us children is to live. We are not perfect. We are not you. But also know, that somewhere in my subconscious mind, I did listen. So, don't give up on them. Don't give up on us, on me. Words of wisdom play their part but experience will build you. I have yet to experience the best. I can't wait to be at the peak of greatness but knowing that nothing turns out quite like you had expected, I will not hold my breath. I will go into my ventures with optimism, not high expectations. They say that there is a silver lining to every cloud. I have not taken sculpting but I will imagine myself as a sculptor, and life, my pile of clay. My experiences mold me and I will push the clay into my broken cracks, I will find the silver lining. 

What is the point of NOT writing?

What is the point of NOT writing? So... I bought a journal. I have never consistently written in a journal. In fact I feel that the only reason that I pick up a journal and write again is for documentary purposes. Ergo the eight journals that I do have starting from the time I was nine giving a blurb of life updates and then ending abruptly. I wish I had kept a journal, I find it interesting to read from my past. However I think that the fact that I like to read my writing from the past being a motivator to write is well, not very motivating. I feel that if I start to write it has to be important, it has to be intriguing. I am not interesting every second of every day. Therefore I have come to terms with the fact that maybe my journal will not be either. I talk a lot, but that does not fill the void of the intrapersonal self, my writing. I often make lists; to do lists, worry lists, lists about everything. The other day I had a lot going on and many thoughts running through my mind, "make a list," I told myself, but just as I opened my new journal to do so, I stopped. I prohibited myself from writing, and it bothered me. Instead of writing, I took time to think about why I did and simultaneously did not want to write. 

• The journal, it's too pretty to write bad things in. 
• Facing the facts, if you write it down you have to look at. Throw away my writings after I write them down you may suggest, no. 
• Writing it down makes it true, makes it more real, doesn't allow time to forget, mask or cover. 
• I don't want to write, it's emotionally exhausting sometimes. 

My journal was inexpensive enough that I do not have to worry about replacing it for another pretty journal. Sometimes, facts are facts, whether they are floating around in your head or on paper. It may be a positive thing to write down difficult things, because from writing, you can brainstorm ideas, create positivity, express your thoughts and expand more than just a simple, cold hard fact. I do want to write. I need to stop having a quota. Once I let go and free myself from inhibitions then writing will be a source of freedom. If I had a regret, it would be not writing, enough. But there is no time for regrets, maybe I will start by writing about that. 

In a world of what if

I find myself having the same dream daily. (A life goal not a sleeping past time) I think about it subconsciously and consciously the majority of my day and every time that I do I refer myself back to the photojournalism path that I'm on. Am I discouraging myself from pursuing my true dreams because I am afraid that I will not succeed? Sometimes. When I begin to analyze what it would be to make this dream a reality I feel that it is not what I want. So, is it not what I want, or I have I spent so much time telling myself that I cannot that I have manipulated myself into believing that it is not what I want and I will not succeed? This is not to say that I chose my majors without rhyme or reason. I love Photography and Journalism and just as well I am nearly fluent in Spanish. These are my majors and a minor by the way... Journalism and Spanish and a minor in Photography. I do want to make a difference in people's lives by practicing photojournalism and covering important social injustices. But maybe just maybe, I could be a singer.

How much of our lives is molded for us before us?

How much of what happens in our lives happens for a reason? Coincidence, intuition, intention, inherited traits? Do we inhabit our parent's abilities or disabilities? How much of our lives is molded for us before us. Wednesday here, smack dab in the middle and I am in the middle of my journey of self discovery. Who am I? Will I inherit my arthritic genes? Can I overcome my genetic structure... without a lot of money? A piece of advice that I hold and distribute is that you must follow your passion. Our passions are a strong sense of who we are, a thread of happiness on our internal bracelet. We can only predict the future, however our time would be best spent living in the now instead of worrying about the future. Sure, we should have goals, a realistic sense of cause and effect and maybe a direction but to live life in a planner is no plan of mine. There are two types of people. Those whom say that everything will be alright and believe it and those who say that all will be fine and do not believe it. I choose to believe. I believe in the greater good, in humanity, in destiny, but most importantly I believe in myself. Have I been manipulated by my inner ego? Perhaps... but for now I am ok living in my happy place. 

            Do you ever feel that there is so much to be said that you may be better off saying nothing at all? I realize that as extroverted as I am I have a weakness for stepping out of my comfort zone. I have denied any fears I may have out of the fact that they are often deemed common or cliche. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of rejection. Fear of what others may think. But it should not be fear that guides us.

            Someone close to me asked if I had to pick an action that I was most drawn to would it be talking or listening? I thought about the question for a moment and replied both. Well, you see, they said, I believe that it is human nature to have one trait that you are more pulled to. Interesting I thought. I wondered to myself if telling them that I felt more like a talker than a listener would make me sound selfish or less understanding, less compassionate. I then responded by explaining that I listen and then I talk, I like to teach people I said, to help others. I believe that some people are meant to be the voice of the voiceless. I want to be that person. I am not sure exactly what position God has hired me for yet but I am most definitely on a search for a job that will fulfill my calling.
             I found myself feeling down recently, not because I felt that there was something wrong in my life but because I could feel the struggle of a loved one near me. I would act out irrationally, speak inappropriately and out of turn, all with forceful words. I realized that I must not let myself be controlled by emotions and that in order to connect with someone you have to act with reason, patience, and listen intently. Once I cut myself out of the equation, listening instead of speaking, I could think clearly and more importantly, I could connect and understand what, why and how; what was wrong and why and how I could reach them. Having something meaningful to say means nothing if you cannot find the right way to say it.

                                                                              

Wednesday night... We as humans constantly procrastinate,[foreword-today's post is not a lecture or a list of regrets or consequences from procrastination] but nonetheless I feel we must make headway in some form or another. Inspiration has been a bird on my shoulder these last few days, pushing me to expand my horizons, explore my curiosities and I have grasped onto this beautiful motivating force that I hope does not flee anytime soon,  I have used this motivation to makeover my surroundings, my life, myself. There are an abundant amount of woes circulating in my brain but instead of focusing myself in on the negative I have been taking on whatever I see in my immediate path that I want to change, things that will brighten my day, be they physical, mental and/or emotional. Maybe this is a justification for pushing important things aside or a quick fix to temporarily change my state of mind. However, I can now say all of my arts and crafts are organized, and my life in general is more clutter free. A productive procrastinator some may say... that may be but more importantly I am creative, a visionary, a girl scout... oh wait, wrong list. I am a citizen on the bandwagon of change and there is no written route for change, I have embraced my individuality and have begun to use my talent of twisting ordinary circumstances to bring some alegría to the less than extraordinary day to day. Feeling: Satisfied. 

Monday's confessional: I am so scared of becoming another statistic. Lord please do not let me get pregnant and never have a chance to develop a career or make a difference in life. I am more frightened that life will stay the same than I am scared of change. I want change, bring it on baby. I am intimidated by not being able to see the future. It is hard to put yourself into action when you cannot see past this month. I do not know for certain where my life is headed, am I currently holding myself back, afraid to let go of people or things? I have heard that you should surround yourself with things and people that bring you up, inspire you but lately my life is so mundane. I am so lazy, I am in this moment disgusted by how lazy I am and maybe a little nauseous because I have not yet eaten today. I am in this period of my life where I am looking in at myself doing nothing, I am pondering what I will do next instead of doing anything! What have I got to lose? I feel that I have lost myself. I do not even know who I am! [My exclamation marks are me yelling at myself]
                     I look out at my patio, curtains wide open allowing the omnipotent rays of sunlight to creep in and maybe shed some light on where I am, who I am, what I am. My book shelf is full of lies, I haven't read a book in so long, I was so lazy this last semester that I received for the first time ever only nearly passing grades in the two classes that required me to read. I mourn inside from loneliness but I don't reach out to others so it is inevitable that I would be lonely. I will no longer be a princess, up on her high horse waiting to be rescued by prince charming, living in her self created, self endued misery. I must rescue myself. Today is a day of change. If I start out with nothing more than an altered attitude towards life and an inner hope for myself then today will have been a success. Here's a toast to taking life into your own hands, to finding strength despite feeling your body crumble, to empowering your mind instead of leaving it to rot.
        [This picture? The most amazing sunset I have been fortunate enough to witness.]

I hope that everyone had a Sunday precisely to their liking; whether that means that you went to church or slept in late, cleaned and organized, worked or just went for a walk. Today I realized that family is what you make of it, who you make family out to be can change, grow and expand depending on a simple friend and soul connection or to some people remain limited to a blood line. The beautiful thing about home being where the heart is is that it is portable, the feeling, the connection. Your actual family may not always be by your side but a human's capability to connect with people, cherish friendships and love one another never ends and stays with you no matter where you are. Your heart is a canvas, a tool box, while it does pump blood and keep you alive it always holds a spot for the ones you love. How beautiful is the heart,  a metaphorical container that expands as you expand, that has unlimited gigabytes, that can hold an infinite amount of love! I think that love is the answer to many concepts, questions, problems. We were granted with a magical feeling, that that is love. We are told to love our neighbor, sister, brother, but why stop there? Next time you stare at a stranger try appreciating them as a complex human being, an equal that also has the capacity to love infinitely, and love them. Love one another and appreciate and love yourself. I love that no matter how broke I am-Love is free. <3

Saturday... How do we interpret our dreams? Maybe we should not read too much into them. A dream about somebody invading your personal space? Perhaps my subconscious was just wandering...I know that there is not a worry that these particular people are "All up in my Grill." What about the part with me having 3 snakes? Although in the end the small yellow one killed itself in the bag. Please don't think I am disturbed. Honestly I have not a clue. Immediately after I was awoken by a phone call and when I hung up I ran to my fish to make sure that he was ok... no worries my friends... he has survived, it was not pet intuition. 

Happy Friday to you, or is it? When you find yourself a little down, what is your pick me up? Do you need a pick me up to overcome the feeling or do you quaintly sit and wait for it to pass? I do not have that power. I must bring myself up. I have found that in these winter days the mixture of solitude and freezing temperatures is not great for my body or spirit. So instead of acting out the cooking channel's beautiful use of ginger in my kitchen or adding that extra kick of style to my bedroom from Martha Stewart's home living I have resorted to sleeping in late and web browsing until I eventually took the plunge today and started this blog. Today I will leave you with a photograph, which if you follow me you will soon see will be a regular occurrence. On this day I am these trees... yes both of them. I am brittle but strong, losing my leaves but hopeful that they soon will be replenished. Cold. Colorful and wind swept with a hint of hopeless romanticism.