Sabotage or Self-Discovery?

Do you ever feel like you repeat things to yourself like a mantra, repeatedly, hoping that you will believe yourself even if in your heart you feel like you're looking for justification or searching for an answer, any answer and thinking that if you just choose an answer, a reason, it will at least put you at ease even if it is not ultimately correct? 

It is hard for me to accept that sometimes feelings are not followed by reason. Your head and your heart, while connected by the body are separate entities, however related, they seem to function completely individually. Maybe the goal in life is to be able to find the connecting balance between the two, between your head: thoughts, logic, logos and reason and your heart, pathos, feelings, emotions and maybe in between the two are where ethos lies, your ethics. What is ethically correct? 

Sometimes I tell myself that everything and anything is alright. Sometimes I create limits and boundaries for myself. Sometimes the limits and boundaries are subconsciously placed, based on my experience, my deepest true feelings, my moral compass if you will and without even giving it any thought I stop myself from thinking or doing something. However it is almost the day to day life that is more challenging. How do we spend our days? The question of limits, boundaries, truth, experimentation, freedom. Where do we draw the line? Where do we also remain true to ourselves? When do we allow ourselves to fully live? If we place boundaries, are we truly living life to the fullest? How will we know what we truly like or who we are or even what we are capable of, if we don't allow ourselves to be uninhibited? I'm not sure how far we should push ourselves. Can we fall off the edge? Is there a point of no return? Does it mean sometimes not being true to yourself because maybe yourself is not who you truly are or could be, but you just don't know it yet? Of course, we will do things that will affirm our morals, ethics, thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Affirmation is wonderful and serves in forming your base character. However aren't new experiences just as important? When do we cross the line between apathy and selfishness, acting and thinking for ourselves and care and unselfishness? Is it ok to be selfish sometimes? Can we truly find ourselves with the influence of others? A great part of me knows and feels that we do find ourselves through our relationships with others, anyone and everyone. But there is a difference between a romantic, sexual, friendship, random encounter and paternal relationship. Each has its roll in our shaping. And it may be that at some points in life, you do not stop caring about those with whom you have established relationships but you allow yourself to act and be as an individual. Being true to yourself, by yourself, without basing your actions on the approval of others. We are a world of people and every person affects us, in multiple and various ways. 

How do I find myself and keep a balance between my relationship with myself and others? Does it mean being removed? Does it mean spending your time equally amongst them? How do I stop myself from being overly attached to someone, especially friends, whose companionship I love and appreciate but just as well acknowledge can be influential on me, in the way that I speak, act and think and admittedly I am not the same around every person and friend. There of course is a norm and a respect that is taken into account when I approach every person but I mean apart from that. 

I think ultimately we have to ask ourselves how much of our lives we are living for ourselves. Are we allowing others to consciously or subconsciously guide us, distract us, change us? If so, how do we separate ourselves without removing ourselves?  

• 3 Doors Down- Changes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srlUuVVhCek

• Ottis Redding-Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1aeKt0gk0w

• The Civil Wars-Falling http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qdk3iPFYxg

• Kelly Clarkson-Cry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWkiRyjxfRg

• Crossfade-Cold http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrr3lRLjZ1Y

These are my confessions...

This may not be a thoughtful whisper. This may not be un pensamiento profundo. This may just be a ramble. 

I am afraid that if my friends knew how lame that I really am when I am by myself that they would rather not be my friends. Admittedly, I have no idea where I am going in life and it scares me. I would rather listen to somber music and soak in the misery than move on. I am drinking the most bitter wine just to feel the buzz. I am bored. I am desperate. I am lost. I talk too much. The bitter taste somehow serves as a metaphor for the bitterness of life. Maybe it doesn't have to be this hard. However, I am not one to take the easy way out. It is astonishing to realize that with billions of other human beings on this planet you can really only depend on yourself. You are the only person that is there for yourself, 100% of the time. It actually feels good to be buzzed. My head feels fuzzy. Much better than clear. A clear mind, when there is so much to think about, is quite overwhelming. I would like to be given a storage unit here. Just me and this room. And I would use it to scream. I would use it to spin around in circles. I would use it to sing without shame. How can life be so cruel? There are so many choices to make. Too many. Do you all know how amazing Lindsey Stirling's music is? She inspires me. http://www.youtube.com/user/lindseystomp

Things that bother me: 
Stop telling me that I look like I have lost weight. 
Stop resenting me for being thin although I eat a lot. 
My roommates. 
My Etnología class. It is not my fault that you put me to sleep... Almost every single time. 
Being broke. 
Feeling vulnerable. 
Don't text me if you don't intend to carry on the conversation... it kills me. 

However, you have to learn to let go, which I am working on every day. These are mostly pet peeves not true concerns. 
I'm not actually crazy, although I'll tell you that I am. 
I sometimes lose my self respect but deep down know that I am valuable and worthy. 
It's easier to joke around than be serious... so I do. 
I am so self-conscious deep down. But surface me doesn't show it. 
I often think about whether these honest blogs will come back to bite me in the ass some day. 
I admittedly want to be more honest here but am afraid to be. 
I am often lonely. 
I fill my voids with music. 
However, I always try to wear just one headphone so I can hear the sounds around me. 
I am guilty for not feeling as guilty as I feel I should for my past mistakes. 
I am so horny. All the time. Men, don't you think for a second that girls don't think about sex, romance or passion as much as you if not more. 
I have realized that we are all animals. 
Although you may look in the mirror and see what you perceive to be a human face. You're probably a lion like me. Or a dog. Or a cat. Or maybe even a reptile. 
I often tune out of class to write down my feelings. 
I sing out loud secretly hoping that people will hear me and like it. 
I write poetry/my profound thoughts/theories in the metro. 
Although I really am responsible, studious and intellectual... I am also lazy, careless and a procrastinator. 
My spelling is poor. I use dictionary.com more than the bible. 
I have no idea where I truly stand religiously. 
However I would never deny my belief in God. 
I secretly want my future husband to be religious/at least believe. 
I am so afraid of getting pregnant/getting married/my future life.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to my photography. I don't know how it works. I know how to make the picture brighter or darker. Slower shutter speed or faster shutter speed. I can't give you advice about which camera to buy because I am not a sales marketer. I don't believe in editing my pictures to the point of fake. I know that photographers don't make a lot of money but I will never stop. Ever. 

I am a lover. I am so passionate. I am so flirty. I am so full of life, to the point of bursting sometimes. If I did not communicate with others I would not only not be myself but I would probably spontaneously combust. 
Thanks for getting to know me by reading this blog. I am sure there are many more things that I have deep down/have not yet confessed. However, this was enough for me in this moment. Enough to get off my chest. I often have a hard time confessing things to myself so it's nice to be able to make confessions to myself while confessing publicly all of my truths as well. 
I almost always write things hoping that others will read them. 

I have ALWAYS wanted to publish a book and when my friends tell me that my life could be a movie I consider documenting everything. Believe you me, this is nothing. Just wait for my book one day... I sometimes feel like I have a whole world unexplored... 

Living in the inbetween

We don't live in a world with black and white answers. We have no rule book to follow. We have no true direction to follow but the feeling in our gut, whatever makes our heart beat or the alarms that sometimes sound in our head. With no one being that is truly in charge of us but ourselves who is to tell what is wrong but ourselves? The trouble is that we often find ourselves, as I have found myself, in our own conflict of interest against our own thoughts and beliefs. So, if we are fighting the world around us and then live our daily lives internally conflicted, where do we go-who do we go to? It's always nice to have friends around, to talk things through with. Additionally, we truly learn, compare and contrast from every person that we come in contact with and every situation that we encounter. I recently traveled to the south of Spain and the northern part of Morocco where I met people that challenged me. I was challenged morally, physically, mentally, emotionally, my tolerance, my patience. Challenge=Life. You will undoubtedly suffer, but I am discovering that if you allow yourself to, if you approach life with an open heart and an open mind you can undoubtedly discover bliss as well. And here I am in what would religiously be referred to as the purgatory, the middle ground, this earth. Where I sometimes feel so vulnerable and so lost. However I'm holding on because I want to discover more moments of bliss.

What do I truly want?

Why do we write?
Do we write for ourselves?
If so, why do I feel the need for other people to read what I write? (Despite a certain permanent fear of rejection that often prevents me from posting in the moment and postponing it until the point of it either being forgotten or too far from the initial date that it becomes irrelevant.)
Am I looking for acceptance? Affirmation? "My weakness I feel I must finally show." -Mumford and Sons. "Awake my soul" just came on my spotify.
I have a love/hate relationship with technology.
I am conflicted in many ways... and I say that with an implied meaning of multiple aspects of life. On a note back to technology. I acknowledge that I am addicted. I acknowledge that my eyes have twitched, my head has hurt, my back has ached and my stomach has gotten queazy all from staring at a virtual screen and a social networking site for more hours than my physical body could/should handle. I have stayed in all day only to find that I have wasted a day at my computer. Getting lost in the virtual world.
It is hard to be a photographer and edit as well as upload and promote my photos. Do I want to be famous? Must I follow others notions of acceptance in order to succeed? Must I edit every picture in order to be seen as good? What is "good?" I suppose that is relative. I want to be good. Hell, I want to be great. I sometimes don't write because I don't want to get lost in myself. After all, what do I know? Not very much. I would often rather spend my time learning through what other people know, reading. My words, don't feel worthy. I don't value my own experiences.
I think that facebook has made me a droid. I think that it has made all of us droids. I don't know if the creators knew the effect that it would have on every user's life. What is the point? A replacement of e-mail? A friend zone? A platform for discussion? A place that epitomizes our right to freedom of expression... more or less?
I often think to myself, what will happen when I die? What will I leave behind? What kind of legacy? And I often fear that with all of my life's work of photographs on hard drives, if earth was to be attacked I would have nothing to show. I would be left, dirty on the floor, with nothing but memories of images. WHY do I photograph in such abundance? In such an addictive, meticulous manner?
"That's just who she is," my friends say when we discuss my photographic habits.

My cousin Jo-Carol said in one of her songs, "And when all is done we leave behind a body of work to reflect our mind." 

Admittedly I am jealous of those that receive attention in the public eye for their photographs. I feel so lost sometimes. It often promotes my internal drive and a little competition is healthy, right? Even if the other competitor is oblivious?  

Happy Birthday my dear brother.

Today is a joyous day for it is the 19th birthday of my brother Alexander. I have spent the majority of today cleaning and got up at 8:30 to find that my brother was no where in sight. Turns out he borrowed my tripod and recorded himself singing in the dewy morning air across the street in a field of tall yellowish grass. I couldn't be happier. While he is napping, because of course he didn't sleep all night, I have been thinking about how happy I am to have him in my life. Here's a poem to you little brother.


Today is your birthday little brother.
We have so much in common, we even share the same mother.
I cleaned our house, made you tea and wonderful chinese food, all because I love you and want to put you in a good mood.
You woke up today looking for adventure.
I hope that you receive all that and more.
When you awake from your nap we two will explore.
I have a present or two that I plan to give you today.
And lots more love, fun and music are coming your way.
God bless you today and always, I thank God you were born. For if it were not for him and our mother I would not have your beautiful companionship and a little brother that I adore.
Happy Birthday little big one. Congratulations on making it this far, I am so proud of you, your accomplishments and the man that you are becoming. Having you here with me this last month is the biggest present that I could have. Because nobody could and ever will replace your presence.
All my love,
Sissy. <3 :)

Here's to a day of Adventure, may later I will share the details of our fun.

Fuck it, I'm blogging...

You oversee your own life.

I am a box overflowing with trash, donate-now items, recyclable bits and pieces and photographs. Haha. I'm just kidding, but it is how I feel. I feel like my dirty home. I feel like my stress over the upcoming week's events. I feel like the dirty face that I still have not washed today because I have been distracted by cleaning, cooking, and other miscellaneous activities. We take on our emotions, our actions, our surroundings in a physical and mental sense. And I am trying to learn mind over matter. I am trying to learn the secret of energy and that what you put out you will receive, I promise I am trying. I am trying to have patience. I am trying to forgive and forget. I practice breathing, I push back tears and I call to myself strength. I am working on earning money and never placing its importance above the necessary immediate use. Andsometimes I fall, I feel like I am falling. I am Alice in Wonderland. I am exploring new places, ideas, people, and celebrating life's many un-birthdays. The other day my brother asked me why I can't just blog about the happy things that we do together. So, I said ok, I will talk about the park we visited and the joy that I got from laying in the sun and taking pictures and hugging trees but when I had the opportunity to blog about it, I didn't. My brother played at an open mic night and my boyfriend told him that he should only play his own songs from now on to showcase his own talent. To this my brother replied saying that most of his own songs are too dark and unhappy to perform. I thought it was funny that we both allow ourselves, our minds and our bodies to soak up the happiness of our experiences but when it comes to expressing ourselves it is the frustration, heart break, bitter feelings that we write about. Maybe it's because it is easy to be happy but it's much harder to handle unhappiness, stress, frustration and that we need to express ourselves when we feel that way in order to get it off of our chests, out of our minds and put it up to something other than ourselves to deal with it. However, I have taken some beautiful pictures this summer. Had some great and fun friend bonding experiences. Have had my brother move in with me and am preparing for the biggest traveling adventure of my life. I am searching and finding myself daily. Sometimes I hide in the closet or find pieces of myself on top of the fridge, man I'm sneaky. Haha. My brother and I made a long list of things that make us happy in life. In fact, that was what I planned to blog about a few days ago. Things that make me happy, like finding treasures at a yard sale that you impose yourself on because these two people are hanging up garage sale signs for Saturday and your brother asks if they have bar stools for sale because even though you e-mailed someone on craigslist and thought you had an agreement about bar stools it turns out he wanted much more for all of them than you are willing to pay and these two people say yes, but they are square and we say that's ok and they say $8 for both and you say ok thanks and get their address for tomorrow's yard sale and drive away and then flip-a-bitch and ask them if we could take those bar stools off their hands tonight and they say yes, I'll meet you at our house and then we end up looking through all of their stuff and taking home much more than you had planned but are extremely happy with your decision because it means that you invested in your home, which is where you live and is your place of rest and is your safe zone and for that, it was all worth it, and for that, I LOVE yard sales. :) Off to take care of business. Until next time

So, I've got this flaw...

I do not know when,
I do not know why.
Every time we talk,
I nearly want to cry.
You make me pull my hair,
my skin begins to blush,
I can not stand your voice,
I pretend I'm in a rush.
But then the feelings pass and I enjoy my day,
knowing that despite our differences, you are there for me in every way.
But you still drive me crazy,
sometimes off a cliff.
I love you so very much but I am tainted by our constant rift.
I hope that some day you forgive me for my boastful banter,
for I am not a saint, an angel or some body with the best of manners.
I just want to acknowledge that this feeling eats away
at the thought of calling you each and every single day.
It does not change my heart, I would never tell it to.
And when I start to fight it sometimes the yucky still gets through.
You could say it's just a phase that you and I will some day pass.
I would hope for nothing more because the real you I adore.