A Thoughtful Whisper: Sabotage or Self-Discovery?

Do you ever feel like you repeat things to yourself like a mantra, repeatedly, hoping that you will believe yourself even if in your heart you feel like you're looking for justification or searching for an answer, any answer and thinking that if you just choose an answer, a reason, it will at least put you at ease even if it is not ultimately correct?

It is hard for me to accept that sometimes feelings are not followed by reason. Your head and your heart, while connected by the body are separate entities, however related, they seem to function completely individually. Maybe the goal in life is to be able to find the connecting balance between the two, between your head: thoughts, logic, logos and reason and your heart, pathos, feelings, emotions and maybe in between the two are where ethos lies, your ethics. What is ethically correct?

Sometimes I tell myself that everything and anything is alright. Sometimes I create limits and boundaries for myself. Sometimes the limits and boundaries are subconsciously placed, based on my experience, my deepest true feelings, my moral compass if you will and without even giving it any thought I stop myself from thinking or doing something. However it is almost the day to day life that is more challenging. How do we spend our days? The question of limits, boundaries, truth, experimentation, freedom. Where do we draw the line? Where do we also remain true to ourselves? When do we allow ourselves to fully live? If we place boundaries, are we truly living life to the fullest? How will we know what we truly like or who we are or even what we are capable of, if we don't allow ourselves to be uninhibited? I'm not sure how far we should push ourselves. Can we fall off the edge? Is there a point of no return? Does it mean sometimes not being true to yourself because maybe yourself is not who you truly are or could be, but you just don't know it yet? Of course, we will do things that will affirm our morals, ethics, thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Affirmation is wonderful and serves in forming your base character. However aren't new experiences just as important? When do we cross the line between apathy and selfishness, acting and thinking for ourselves and care and unselfishness? Is it ok to be selfish sometimes? Can we truly find ourselves with the influence of others? A great part of me knows and feels that we do find ourselves through our relationships with others, anyone and everyone. But there is a difference between a romantic, sexual, friendship, random encounter and paternal relationship. Each has its roll in our shaping. And it may be that at some points in life, you do not stop caring about those with whom you have established relationships but you allow yourself to act and be as an individual. Being true to yourself, by yourself, without basing your actions on the approval of others. We are a world of people and every person affects us, in multiple and various ways.

How do I find myself and keep a balance between my relationship with myself and others? Does it mean being removed? Does it mean spending your time equally amongst them? How do I stop myself from being overly attached to someone, especially friends, whose companionship I love and appreciate but just as well acknowledge can be influential on me, in the way that I speak, act and think and admittedly I am not the same around every person and friend. There of course is a norm and a respect that is taken into account when I approach every person but I mean apart from that.

I think ultimately we have to ask ourselves how much of our lives we are living for ourselves. Are we allowing others to consciously or subconsciously guide us, distract us, change us? If so, how do we separate ourselves without removing ourselves?