In a world of what if

I find myself having the same dream daily. (A life goal not a sleeping past time) I think about it subconsciously and consciously the majority of my day and every time that I do I refer myself back to the photojournalism path that I'm on. Am I discouraging myself from pursuing my true dreams because I am afraid that I will not succeed? Sometimes. When I begin to analyze what it would be to make this dream a reality I feel that it is not what I want. So, is it not what I want, or I have I spent so much time telling myself that I cannot that I have manipulated myself into believing that it is not what I want and I will not succeed? This is not to say that I chose my majors without rhyme or reason. I love Photography and Journalism and just as well I am nearly fluent in Spanish. These are my majors and a minor by the way... Journalism and Spanish and a minor in Photography. I do want to make a difference in people's lives by practicing photojournalism and covering important social injustices. But maybe just maybe, I could be a singer.

How much of our lives is molded for us before us?

How much of what happens in our lives happens for a reason? Coincidence, intuition, intention, inherited traits? Do we inhabit our parent's abilities or disabilities? How much of our lives is molded for us before us. Wednesday here, smack dab in the middle and I am in the middle of my journey of self discovery. Who am I? Will I inherit my arthritic genes? Can I overcome my genetic structure... without a lot of money? A piece of advice that I hold and distribute is that you must follow your passion. Our passions are a strong sense of who we are, a thread of happiness on our internal bracelet. We can only predict the future, however our time would be best spent living in the now instead of worrying about the future. Sure, we should have goals, a realistic sense of cause and effect and maybe a direction but to live life in a planner is no plan of mine. There are two types of people. Those whom say that everything will be alright and believe it and those who say that all will be fine and do not believe it. I choose to believe. I believe in the greater good, in humanity, in destiny, but most importantly I believe in myself. Have I been manipulated by my inner ego? Perhaps... but for now I am ok living in my happy place. 

            Do you ever feel that there is so much to be said that you may be better off saying nothing at all? I realize that as extroverted as I am I have a weakness for stepping out of my comfort zone. I have denied any fears I may have out of the fact that they are often deemed common or cliche. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of rejection. Fear of what others may think. But it should not be fear that guides us.

            Someone close to me asked if I had to pick an action that I was most drawn to would it be talking or listening? I thought about the question for a moment and replied both. Well, you see, they said, I believe that it is human nature to have one trait that you are more pulled to. Interesting I thought. I wondered to myself if telling them that I felt more like a talker than a listener would make me sound selfish or less understanding, less compassionate. I then responded by explaining that I listen and then I talk, I like to teach people I said, to help others. I believe that some people are meant to be the voice of the voiceless. I want to be that person. I am not sure exactly what position God has hired me for yet but I am most definitely on a search for a job that will fulfill my calling.
             I found myself feeling down recently, not because I felt that there was something wrong in my life but because I could feel the struggle of a loved one near me. I would act out irrationally, speak inappropriately and out of turn, all with forceful words. I realized that I must not let myself be controlled by emotions and that in order to connect with someone you have to act with reason, patience, and listen intently. Once I cut myself out of the equation, listening instead of speaking, I could think clearly and more importantly, I could connect and understand what, why and how; what was wrong and why and how I could reach them. Having something meaningful to say means nothing if you cannot find the right way to say it.

                                                                              

Wednesday night... We as humans constantly procrastinate,[foreword-today's post is not a lecture or a list of regrets or consequences from procrastination] but nonetheless I feel we must make headway in some form or another. Inspiration has been a bird on my shoulder these last few days, pushing me to expand my horizons, explore my curiosities and I have grasped onto this beautiful motivating force that I hope does not flee anytime soon,  I have used this motivation to makeover my surroundings, my life, myself. There are an abundant amount of woes circulating in my brain but instead of focusing myself in on the negative I have been taking on whatever I see in my immediate path that I want to change, things that will brighten my day, be they physical, mental and/or emotional. Maybe this is a justification for pushing important things aside or a quick fix to temporarily change my state of mind. However, I can now say all of my arts and crafts are organized, and my life in general is more clutter free. A productive procrastinator some may say... that may be but more importantly I am creative, a visionary, a girl scout... oh wait, wrong list. I am a citizen on the bandwagon of change and there is no written route for change, I have embraced my individuality and have begun to use my talent of twisting ordinary circumstances to bring some alegría to the less than extraordinary day to day. Feeling: Satisfied. 

Monday's confessional: I am so scared of becoming another statistic. Lord please do not let me get pregnant and never have a chance to develop a career or make a difference in life. I am more frightened that life will stay the same than I am scared of change. I want change, bring it on baby. I am intimidated by not being able to see the future. It is hard to put yourself into action when you cannot see past this month. I do not know for certain where my life is headed, am I currently holding myself back, afraid to let go of people or things? I have heard that you should surround yourself with things and people that bring you up, inspire you but lately my life is so mundane. I am so lazy, I am in this moment disgusted by how lazy I am and maybe a little nauseous because I have not yet eaten today. I am in this period of my life where I am looking in at myself doing nothing, I am pondering what I will do next instead of doing anything! What have I got to lose? I feel that I have lost myself. I do not even know who I am! [My exclamation marks are me yelling at myself]
                     I look out at my patio, curtains wide open allowing the omnipotent rays of sunlight to creep in and maybe shed some light on where I am, who I am, what I am. My book shelf is full of lies, I haven't read a book in so long, I was so lazy this last semester that I received for the first time ever only nearly passing grades in the two classes that required me to read. I mourn inside from loneliness but I don't reach out to others so it is inevitable that I would be lonely. I will no longer be a princess, up on her high horse waiting to be rescued by prince charming, living in her self created, self endued misery. I must rescue myself. Today is a day of change. If I start out with nothing more than an altered attitude towards life and an inner hope for myself then today will have been a success. Here's a toast to taking life into your own hands, to finding strength despite feeling your body crumble, to empowering your mind instead of leaving it to rot.
        [This picture? The most amazing sunset I have been fortunate enough to witness.]

I hope that everyone had a Sunday precisely to their liking; whether that means that you went to church or slept in late, cleaned and organized, worked or just went for a walk. Today I realized that family is what you make of it, who you make family out to be can change, grow and expand depending on a simple friend and soul connection or to some people remain limited to a blood line. The beautiful thing about home being where the heart is is that it is portable, the feeling, the connection. Your actual family may not always be by your side but a human's capability to connect with people, cherish friendships and love one another never ends and stays with you no matter where you are. Your heart is a canvas, a tool box, while it does pump blood and keep you alive it always holds a spot for the ones you love. How beautiful is the heart,  a metaphorical container that expands as you expand, that has unlimited gigabytes, that can hold an infinite amount of love! I think that love is the answer to many concepts, questions, problems. We were granted with a magical feeling, that that is love. We are told to love our neighbor, sister, brother, but why stop there? Next time you stare at a stranger try appreciating them as a complex human being, an equal that also has the capacity to love infinitely, and love them. Love one another and appreciate and love yourself. I love that no matter how broke I am-Love is free. <3

Saturday... How do we interpret our dreams? Maybe we should not read too much into them. A dream about somebody invading your personal space? Perhaps my subconscious was just wandering...I know that there is not a worry that these particular people are "All up in my Grill." What about the part with me having 3 snakes? Although in the end the small yellow one killed itself in the bag. Please don't think I am disturbed. Honestly I have not a clue. Immediately after I was awoken by a phone call and when I hung up I ran to my fish to make sure that he was ok... no worries my friends... he has survived, it was not pet intuition.