Love Atrophy

I'm not sure why but I hate myself.

Apparently I don't have enough love in my heart.
I didn't know that you could lose it, that love was something to be lost.
Is love like a muscle? You can gain muscle atrophy by not working out your love muscle.
I find myself becoming internally infuriated.
I feel my chest tighten and my teeth grit.
I have no fuse.
I lack patience and tolerance.
I do not know everything but yet I am so quick to assume that I know best.
I can have such empathy and yet not be able to show kindness.
I am sickened by myself but I do not know how to change.
Yesterday I was told that people often return to the temple in time of need, when they have gone as far as they can without it. I need salvation, refuge, a class in love.
But I laugh at your G-d. At your Jesus talk. I mock your spiritualism. But no one would know because I would defend G-d should you tell me that G-d does not exist. I have faith and hope.
I do not practice my love.
Or maybe I just wouldn't call it love. I do love. I feel love. I do feel.
I feel too much.
Am I feeling wrong?
I am heavy. All the time. I feel the weight of my body.
I am not necessarily self-conscious, yet I am conscious of myself.
Music, Reading, Blogging, Laying, Sitting, Walking, Driving, Cleaning, Making a mess, Microwave, Guilt, Analyzing, Watching, Staring, Thinking, Feeling.
"Am I of the state of talking," my mother asked me?
What a ridiculous question I thought. I laughed, "yes, I suppose," I responded.
However when I came to, I let it sink in. I am so difficult to deal with recently that you'd have to brace yourself to come around me. Ask, before you speak.
I hid in my closet the other day.
The only place in my house that is not inhabited by another.
If it was large enough I would clean it out and make it a regular habit.
I keep looking to the future to fix me.
When I have more money, more space, I will be fixed. I will be one with myself, again.
I used to love me.

Just like that, here I am, writing about my own internal struggle in this very moment and someone just came through my door that I had no expectation of seeing, that brought me more faith, joy and love than I would have imagined. Thank you.